White shadow

I have a stalker.

Her name is Big A, and she's stalked me for going on 4 years now. She's a little creepy, but also kind of cute.

From the time Big A was in my belly, we had a special bond. As the first-born, she got tons of attention and we were - and still are - very attached. But it goes beyond mere attachment. Big A watches my every move and she notices EVERYTHING. If I buy a new box of tissues, she notices. If I put on a new lipstick, she knows. If I laugh to myself as I'm reading something funny on the computer, she asks me what I'm laughing at. Sometimes when we're eating lunch, I have to tell her multiple times to stop staring at me as I'm eating. If Big A could crawl back inside my womb, I think she would.

Having a stalker is mentally exhausting. I love Big A and I love that she loves me, but sometimes, I just want some SPACE, man. Today we went to a children's museum and she would not leave my side. I kept looking for her because she was so close to me that I literally couldn't see her.

I know I played a part in creating the monster. I was pretty hesitant to give her up in the beginning part of her life. I didn't want to spend a night without her. But as I've grown into motherhood and realized that independence is good for both of us, I've tried to encourage her to go off on her own sometimes.

I used to think that my working must play a part in her clinginess. Maybe she missed me so much when I was gone that she had to get her fill when I was home? Well, being home these past 5 months has proven that theory wrong - and I am glad about that. No matter how many hours per day I spend with her, she's still a stalker.

I am really not sure how to remedy the situation, so most times, I try to make the best of it. Someday, I am sure she will not want to spend every waking moment with me. Someday, she will probably run and hide in her room to get away from me. Someday she will probably say "Mom, get away from me already." And on that day I will probably be really sad.

Until then, I always feel like...somebody's watching me...