thirty five

On the eve of my 35th birthday, I take stock of where I am in life. For the most part, I'm content and where I want to be. There are, of course, a few areas that could use some work (cough, I'm talking to you 20 pounds, cough), but all in all, I'm grateful for a funny and loving husband, two awesome little girls and a pretty nifty new job that came through at just the right time.

My parents recently cleaned their basement and gave me a bag of childhood treasures. Among them was my senior year high school yearbook. As I read the inscriptions and even my own "senior message," I felt so far removed from that 18-year-old girl. I could just barely recall what it felt like to be a teenager about to embark on the most exciting time of my life. My future plans listed college and "becoming a famous author." At least I can say I achieved one of those goals. I'm still working on the other one. Or maybe not, since its doubtful that newsletter articles are going to make me famous.

These days, fame is about the last thing I'm seeking in life. What I really want is contentment. Don't we all? They say happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have. And I do want what I have...my family, my friends, my work, my house. Yet there is always a part of me that longs for more. More money, more kids, more work, more...something. It goes back to the very title of this blog - "the other side of the fence." I'm forever peering around the corner, wondering what that elusive key to pure contentment is. I still have yet to find it.

It wasn't working full-time - that was draining and I often felt guilty and missed my kids.
It wasn't staying home full-time - I was often stressed about money and yes, I'll admit it, a little bored and restless.
It's not even the holy grail of working part-time. While it has many pros, it also has some cons...the way you can only be halfway into your career, the lessened benefits and pay, and that constant pull between work and home...some days I hardly know up from down as I rush to work, to home, to a playdate, to the kitchen and to my bed.

So I've realized that its really not about what you do (although that's part of it), but also in how you feel. When I'm feeling happy and optimistic and like things are in order, I'm happy with where I am. On the days that I feel overwhelmed and out-of-control, I'm seeking the next answer to what will make me happy.

So in this 35th year, I'm vowing to stop letting my circumstances define my happiness. We all make choices, we all have things thrown at us, and we all do the best we can to carve out a road that makes sense for our lives. It is really only in looking back that we realize how happy we were.

A woman at work stopped in to ask me about my upcoming birthday (she thought I was turning 30, bless her heart). When I made a face as I shared the real number, she waved it off, "This is the best time of your life," she said. "Enjoy it."

I will.