I remember

As the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is here, I have mixed emotions. Part of me feels like I don't have the right to express my sorrow, because I did not lose anyone personally. Part of me feels extreme sadness for all those did. And part of me tries to make sense of the whole thing, and wonders how to explain it to my kids.

On September 11, 2001, I was working in the heart of Washington, DC at a boutique public relations firm. We had lots of tvs around, and we started to hear murmurs about a plane crash in New York City. More tvs and news websites were pulled up and we began to slowly understand the magnitude of what was happening. We gathered into a conference room and watched history unfold in real time. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

As time went on, there were murmurs about leaving the office. Everyone was scared and didn't know how they would get home. Some were afraid that the metro would be another terrorist target. We debated a cab, but in the end, a friend and I boarded the metro. It was a scary ride, and when we emerged my friend asked if I wanted to go shopping. I brushed her off, not sure if she understood the full seriousness of the situation. Then I went home to huddle around the tv. I know I cried a lot over the next weeks as the damage was assessed.

And then, as it does, life went on. I attended my sister in law's bachelorette party a few weeks later, and remember the crowd in the bar stopping to sing the national anthem spontaneously. I remember that J and I chose to not attend their second wedding in England a month later because we feared air travel. It was a very uncertain time.

On September 11, 2006, we found out we were pregnant with Big A. I remember thinking that a very good thing was happening on a very bad day.

And today, 10 years later, I watched the news coverage of the memorials and Big A climbed on my lap and asked what I was watching. I explained in very basic terms that we were remembering when some very bad people hurt a lot of people in our country. She looked at the tv, at the grim faces of some soldiers. "Are those the bad people, Mommy?" she asked. "No, I told her. They are just sad today."

That's all she needs to know for now. Each year, she will learn more about that day, and I will tell her about my own memories. I can only pray that she never has to experience something like that in her lifetime.