Cracking

So spring break has actually been a little wearing on all of us. Without our normal routine, we've been keeping very busy with out of the ordinary activities. Maybe too busy? Yesterday was a very hectic day. We started off going to a bounce place, then out to lunch. Came home for nap/quiet time, then went to visit with our old daycare provider (which was...weird). Came home and had company, then went out to dinner. To top it off, J went out of town for the weekend, so I was on my own.

The girls and I got home from dinner and I was feeling very on my mom-game. I was kicking ass and taking names...until I was getting the girls' milk ready for bedtime and Little A pulled the gallon of crystal light out of the fridge, dumping it ALL over the floor. My back was already sore from the bounce place and lifting so much that day, so it was not my happy place to mop up a gallon of juice. I tried to keep it together but could tell I was at the end of my rope. I got the girls to bed and then stayed up way too late fueled by caffeine and a quiet house.

This morning we all woke up and got ready for Big A's soccer practice. My mother in law had kindly agreed to meet me there to keep Little A occupied while I participated with Big A. We were all set to leave when someone spilled cranberry juice. Deep breath. I mopped it up, then we rushed out the door. Got to the soccer field and lined up to stretch. I was doing the jumping jacks and toe touches but Big A was not. She refused to participate. I cajoled, I begged a bit, I took Little A out instead to try to make her want to play. Nothing worked so I finally threatened to leave if she would not participate. The problem with threats is that you have to follow through. Especially when you have a witness. So when she still wouldn't budge, we turned around and left. After 15 minutes. I was on the verge of cracking and it was probably for the best to take it off the soccer field.

We packed up the car and headed back home. We had pretty much driven longer than we'd been at soccer. The girls must have sensed my mood because the car was eerily silent the whole ride home...which never happens. I sent Big A to her room when we got home and she's up there crying now. I've gotta muster up the strength and patience and grace to go have a "Full House" style talk with her. Breathe in, breathe out. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and it really isn't. But right now, it feels like it. I know I could have handled the situation better if I'd really tried. I guess Big A and I both let each other down today. Hoping the rest of the weekend goes smoother. Is it too much to hope for no more spills, meltdowns or crying fests? Probably.

Spring break - then and now

Big A is on spring break this week. Yes, apparently 3 year olds need a break from the stress that is 2 hours of preschool three mornings a week....or maybe its the teachers? In any case, she has no school this week, so we've been trying to mix things up and stay busy. Friday the girls saw "Elmo Live" with my mother-in-law and J, and loved it. Monday we had a fun playdate. Today we ran errands and then went to meet J to visit his office and have lunch.

J works in the town where we went to college (yes, we got far), so we went to lunch on the main drag of the campus. A new Chipotle opened and we are both HUGE fans. J's been writing to the head of the company for ages begging them to come to our state. In any case, being on campus always brings back a slew of memories. Good ones. We had some great times in college, and seeing our old stomping grounds brought a lot of them to light. In college, of course, spring break has a different connotation. Basically, its a great excuse to let loose and party for a week straight.

My all-time favorite spring break was with some of my best girlfriends during senior year of college in the Bahamas. We had a blast, lying on the beach, trying a few water sports, drinking, dancing and just being young and free.

Seeing all the college kids walking around made me feel old. I know I'm not "old old" but I'm approaching middle age and it freaks me out, man! They say youth is wasted on the young and I have to agree. I'm sure I said I was "stressed" in college, when really, my responslibities were so small. Yes, I had to study, but there was plenty of time for that, and I was basically living for free with no financial or real-world worries.

Of course, I'm happy with where I'm at now. The girls and I spent our afternoon playing with sidewalk chalk and blowing bubbles:

Yeah, its no wet t-shirt contest unless you count Little A spilling her bubbles (and please don't), but it was a nice way to spend a day. I wouldn't want to go back in time...but if I did, maybe this week would be a good one? Except no, I'd probably drink two beers and then fall asleep in a pile of drool, and what fun is that?

And some random stuff that doesn't fit with this post:

-I got the official hospital bill from Little A's leg and it was "only" $400, instead of the $1,000 they estimated. Woo.

-I tried a recipe from Sandra Lee's semi-homemade cookbook tonight and it rocked. I may have a new go-to cookbook. Even the kids ate it, and that is saying something. (it was spicy chicken alfredo with penne if anyone cares)

-A random religious pusher came to my house today and against my better judgement, I opened the door a crack. I'm not really good at being rude, so I listened as she read me a Bible passage. Then she said "Do you think this is the plan for us?" and I politely said "what?" to which she said "What?" to which I said "Do I think what is the plan for us?" to which she said "the way the world is today with the economy and the gas prices." Um...I don't know? I didn't really know what to say so she introduced her "partners" - her friend and her son who was named "LG" which stands for "little guy." Then she said that she would like if I read her pamphlet and we could talk about it another time. To which I said "Okay" and closed the door. I think we were probably both thinking "WTF?" after that little exchange. Poor LG. I bet he wishes he was in the Bahamas on spring break too.

:-)

Paybacks

I'm sure every person that has ever been annoying as a kid/teenager has heard the line "I hope you have a child just like you one day!" Lord knows, I could be pretty moody as a kid so I heard this a few times.

One of the most obnoxious memories I have is when my sister and I were in our early teens. In typical melodramatic fashion, we were mad at my mom and had a conversation that went something like:

Me: I can't believe mom yelled at us.
K: I know...like, take a chill Mom.
Me: You know...I bet she doesn't even love us.
K: Yeah, she doesn't love us.

Somehow we decided to tell my dad our "theory" and he in turn told my mom which led to an embarrassing conversation where my mom sat us down and assured us that she loved us. I cringe just thinking about what a little brat I was that day.

So as Big A has grown into her personality, I've gotten little glimpses of what I might have been like as a kid and realized I really was getting every parent's wish -a child just like myself. However, I never expected to deal with the exact same situation as above so soon...

Last night I was giving the girls a bath. I got Big A out first, then wrapped up Little A in a towel and snuggled her. Big A looked over at me and said, "Mommy you don't love me."

After a moment of shocked silence, I told her that of course I loved her and wondered if the subject would be dropped. It wasn't. As I got the girls into their pjs, she repeated that I didn't love her. I kind of had a hunch where this thought was coming from. Little A has been clingy lately and demanding a lot of my attention. "Do you think I don't love you because I love Little A?" I asked. She nodded. "Well, I love both of you a whole bunch." She contemplated this for a minute. "Do you love Daddy too?" Yes. "Mom Mom?" Yes. "Gammy?" Yes. The list went on until I told her that I loved a lot of people and she could too. She seemed to get it then and dropped the subject.

Today I took Big A out on a date, just the two of us. We went shopping at Target and picked out a big-girl princess bike for her birthday. Then we saw "Hop" and shared popcorn and a juice box. We went to another store after that and were going to stop for a snack but Big A told me Panera smelled bad so we went home. I think the day was good for us though and hopefully reassured her that I love her lots. Kinda makes me wonder how people with tons of kids manage to spread the love.

Or maybe I'm just being hosed by my clone of a daughter...I guess time will tell.

The good ol' days

Do you ever have moments, where even as they're happening, you just know they are going to be memories?

Yesterday was one of those days for me. It was J's birthday and he took off of work so we could go to the zoo. We'd been talking about going for awhile and this seemed like a good opportunity. There wasn't anything remarkable about the day, although we had a great time. But I could already picture myself one day saying "remember, on your 34th birthday, how cute the girls were?"

Little A is in the cutest stage ever. She is starting to talk and converse and in the morning, I coached her into saying "happy birfday daddy" in the most adorable way. She was so excited to see the monkeys and made monkey sounds the whole way to the zoo "Oooh oooh aahhh aahh." Big A is in a "skipping phase" and proceed to hold J's hand and skip around the zoo. She absolutely loved feeding the ducks and pretending to milk a giant cow.

After we got home, we watched some Dora, then grilled burgers and had a yummy dinner. For dessert we had a delicious peanut butter pie with candles spelling out "I love Dad."

It was the perfect day.

The blues

For the most part, I've been pretty upbeat about this whole unemployment thing. I heard and said "everything happens for a reason" many times, and I still believe its true. I've enjoyed being home with the girls and getting a chance to experience a lifestyle I had craved for quite a while.

On the other hand, its impossible to be unemployed for more than 6 months, and not get a little down from time to time. Maybe its just post-vacation blues, but getting back to reality is proving to be a little confusing. My "reality" is very up in the air these days. As much as I am embracing being a stay-at-home mom, in the back of my head, I know it can't be permanent and that keeps me from enjoying it to the fullest. The uncertainty of not knowing what is next can be tough. Unfortunately, we did not build our life on the premise of one income. Of course, if we scrimped and saved, we could find a way to make it work. But I don't think either one of wants that lifestyle.

Lest you think I'm that shallow, its not just the "extras" I'd miss (although I certainly would), but also the non-essential but important things - like saving for retirement, saving for college and just saving in general. With two kids, life can throw you curve balls, and its scary to not have a giant safety net to catch those balls.

We've also been thrown for a loop with health insurance. I always had great insurance, so going on J's has been a true eye opener for us. Remember Little A's foot injury? Thank goodness, she is doing well and walking normally these days. But we also just received a $1,000 bill from the ER visit that definitely made my stomach drop. Of course it figures that in every other year, we've barely used the health care system, and now that we have to pay, it seems like we use it all the time.

I've been applying to jobs pretty steadily over the past 6 months, to no avail. I've probably applied to well over 100 jobs and gotten a handful of phone calls, many rejections, even more non-responses and a few interviews that didn't work out. After a while, you can't help but wonder what's wrong with you. Of course, when we moved back to our home state after we got married, it took me 5 months to fnd a job and that was when times were a lot better and I was more flexible about where I could work (with no kids). Reading the newspaper each Sunday about the unemployment rate just depresses me even more. I am truly glad I have my kids around to give me a purpose while I job hunt. I think being a mom is one of the most important roles in the world -- its too bad it doesn't come with a paycheck.

Anyway, that's enough with the "woe is me" stuff. Most of the time, I feel really lucky to be where I am right now. I still believe that one day I'll look back at this time and be very grateful I had it. I have the rest of my life to work, and my kids are only babies for a little while. If only the bills would understand that, we'd be a-okay.

Ode to Hans

I'm back blogging world!

The cruise was awesome. It was everything I wanted it to be -- a relaxing break, some fun times with my husband and some new experiences. The cruise gave me quite a few subjects to talk about, but I have to start with what is pretty much the pinnacle of a cruise - eating. Or as one of our new ship friends liked to call it "feeding." Feeding really did fit better than "meal" on the ship. It lets you get rid of those pesky limits of three meals a day. Feedings? Well, they can happen at any time, mulitple times a day.

Getting aboard our ship ended up being somewhat of a hassle. Some system broke and we ended up standing in line for a few hours. Not fun, but not a huge deal either. We got on the ship and headed up to grab some lunch. There was a line as a lot of people had the same idea as us. We laughed as a man behind us started loudly protesting the wait and even went so far as to say the ship was treating him "like a slave" - kind of laughable considering the over-the-top treatment and constant barrage of food that was to follow.

In any case, our first meal aboard the ship was a hamburger and fries. Pretty tasty. Jay challenged me to record everything he ate on the ship and I did start a list. But after filling up the entire page in less than a day I gave up. Trust me, it would have made you vomit and also want to give him a handshake. A few hours after our late lunch, we went to our first dinner in the dining room. Wanting a social experience, we had signed up for the late dinner seating and were seated with 3 other couples. We were nervous about this, as it was as random as a dorm room assignment. But someone had worked some magic because we ended up with some really awesome and funny people that we truly enjoyed spending time with.

That first night, we were all somewhat restrained in our ordering. One appetizer, entree and dessert each. By the second night, a couple of guys ordered mulitple appetizers and by the third night, it was completely normal to order two meals without a blink. Our waiter was wonderful. He told us he was so relieved to not be waiting on old people for once and enjoyed a fun, young crowd. We did aim to please. And so did Hans. If you so much as looked over at your neighbor's plate, he would bring you one of your own before the thought even entered your mind. He brought one couple three lobster dinners each without a blink. Each night there was a huge selection of warm, fresh-baked bread spread with real butter. I did so much carb-loading, I could probably run a marathon right now.

Some of my favorite meals were the lobster (I "only" had one!), mahi mahi, shrimp cocktail, filet mignon and key lime pie. Mmmmm. Its back to reality now.

Tonight for dinner, I scraped together a somewhat less gourmet meal of frozen chicken nuggets, microwave veggies and fruit. I cut up the food for the kids, squeezed ketchup onto plates, argued with Big A about how many bites she could eat, and got up to get my own drink (non-alcoholic this time). Ahh...I already miss you, Hans.

Bon voyage...

J and I are getting ready to embark on a cruise on Monday. Yes, I know, the words "unemployed" and "cruise" don't normally mix. But we had the trip booked and half paid for way before I got the axe, and after some thought, decided to go forward with it. We leave from a nearby port, so we don't even need to pay for airfare, and all food is included. In the end, it made more sense to keep our plans. I think its important to get away as a couple once in a while, if only to remind ourselves that we still like each other. As far away as it seems, one day, the girls will set out on their own paths and unless we want to follow them off to college (which actually J is pretty set on doing...), we need to make sure we still have our own lives outside of being parents.

Planning this 5 night excursion takes as much preparation as a carefully planned military operation. Packing for 4 people, leaving careful instructions for the lucky grandparents, granting permission for pickups at preschool, the list goes on. And writing down "what you do" is tough. After all, how do you possibly capture all the nuances of raising young kids? Its hard to explain how a "mommy" cry can be ignored during the night but a "mommEE" cry cannot. That "gen" means "again," that yes, its okay to give Little A goldfish for breakfast if that's all she'll eat. In the end, we did the best we could, and figure that since our parents successfully managed to raise 5 kids between them, they should be just fine.

I am truly excited that for the first time in over 4 years, I can look forward to 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep. Some more highlights I'm looking forward to:

-5 days without cartoons. No Dora the Explorer, no Calliou, no Curious George. In fact, no TV at all!
-5 days without reading about what Bob or Sally had for dinner on Facebook or how Polly's son didn't sleep for the tenth night in a row.
-5 days without having to cajole someone little into eating something. No cries of "I don't like that" or "I don't want that" before I even announce what "it" is.
-5 days without having to get anyone dressed! Or brush anyone's hair except my own.
-5 days without having to stop my day in the middle for nap/quiet time. I could even take a nap MYSELF! Squeee.
-5 days without any whining. None! And if J tries it, he's getting the smackdown.
-5 days without breaking up fights, dealing with tantrums, reading the same book for the 50,000th time and going to the bathroom with company.

Okay, I'll be honest. I miss the little buggers already. But I'm sure I'll get over it after a few umbrella drinks. Have fun grandparents!!

Stubborn

One of the most frustrating - and yet relieving - part of parenting is that no matter what you do, your children have a mind of their own. You can only have so much influence, and in the end your kids are their own person. Case in point, Big A. A more stubborn child has never been born. She is just not easily swayed, and while in the long-run I think this will be a great trait, it can be very frustrating as the parent of a toddler.

Today was Big A's second dance "recital." She was super excited and promised that this time she wouldn't be shy and would participate. She picked out a black leotard for her big day and this time, Mom Mom and Pop Pop came to watch her in addition to J and Little A. I think her large audience made her nervous, because once again, she came down with a case of stage fright and flat-out refused to participate. The teacher was awesome and was able to cajole her into performing a few moves and at the very end, she did skip with glee, but that was about it. Imagine my frustration when we got home and she did a perfect rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" complete with every movement. Why could she not have done this in class? Well...at least she looked cute..

Big A also started soccer this past weekend. I was out of town so I didn't get to witness this in person, but J said she was extremely shy and didn't want to participate until the end of the class. She then announed on the way home that she loved soccer. I guess we will see how she does next week. Again, she looks pretty cute at least.

Um, what is Little A wearing on her head? I really to stop leaving J in charge of wardrobe...

Shopaholics-in-training

Some of my earliest memories of my childhood involve shopping. My mom stayed home with us and I know we filled many of our days by going to a variety of stores. Mom is an awesome bargain shopper, and I credit her with starting me off on the right track when it comes to the art of shopping. Of course, I intend to pass on these same lessons to my girls.

Kids are a shopper's dream - the perfect excuse and reason to do even more shopping. Everything is adorable, especially for baby girls, and you don't have to try anything on or feel fat when you're buying for kids. Win win. Even before Big A was born, I had already started shopping for her. Her nursery set was purchased before she was even conceived. From there, I bought her clothes, diapers, pacifiers and blankets. When she was a baby, I would take her to Target and stroll through the baby section, forcing toys on her to see if anything caught her interest. If she so much as blinked at the item, I convinced myself she had to have it. Half the time, she'd have drooled on it and dropped it before I could actually buy it. Little did I know that there would quickly come a day when she'd be asking me to buy her things and I'd actually have to say no sometimes.

Honestly, buying things makes me happy. I'm sure that is a statement that deserves therapy, but its the truth. It does. And for me, I prefer quantity over quality, although of course I'd prefer both. Really though, there is just something about the smile of pure joy that can come from a $2 princess necklace, that can't be beat.

Of course, I try not to spoil the girls...try being the operative word, of course. As the needs have grown, the wants have decreased, but they certainly haven't disappeared. I'm pretty much the mom you don't want to take your kid on a mall trip with, because I give in to the requests for a new item or an ice-cream or a new shirt way too easily. And then your kid gets pissed at you. And then you get pissed at me. Not that this has happened before or anything...

I look forward to many shopping trips with my girls in the future. To me shopping is a sport, and I really hope they love it as much as I do. Well, maybe not as much.

You can't take it with you, right?