Instead of rushing to pick the girls up immediately after work today, I made my way down to the fitness center in my work building (nice perk, right?). After 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer, I worked up the nerve to ask the trainer to show me a basic lifting routine. He was happy to oblige and showed me various machines. I was embarrassed that he had set the weight near the lowest notch for most of them. I asked him if I was the most out-of-shape client he'd trained. "No," he said kindly. "You'd be surprised how many people are in worse shape than you." Oh.
Then he asked me if my goal was weight loss. Ouch. My sister tried to convince me that was a normal question, but being sensitive me all I could think was that I must look so large that of course the only reason I'd be in the gym was to shed pounds. I am no longer in the realm of *giggle, giggle, I just want to tone up a little!* Nope, now its pretty clear that the past year or two has not been kind to my waistline.
I left the gym feeling like I wanted to die. But also, like maybe I was rediscovering a piece of myself that's been gone for a long time.
It made me think of the time period before my wedding, which was perhaps the most selfish time period of my life. I was caught up in planning an event that was all about ME (okay, and J but he was secondary). I was a pretty princess. I had a personal trainer at a swanky city gym. I got my nails done every week. I went shopping for honeymoon clothes and charged it to a credit card. I went "low-carb" and downed expensive chocolate protein drinks and sugar-free Jello cups. It was all about ME. And it was glorious. But it couldn't last forever - nor would I want it to.
That focus on myself has now been replaced (mostly happily) by a focus on the little people that marriage brought about. Parenthood is about sacrifice by definition. And I was glad to do it, and still am. But maybe its time to bring back a little of me. To be healthy again. I credit my return to work for this new attitude. I like working. Its hard to be away from the girls...but honestly? Its not that hard usually. And I don't mean that in a bad way, but in a "why am I apologizing and feeling guilty for providing for my family?" J doesn't seem to blink twice about going to work and fitting in time for fitness. So why should I? Not to mention that I actually like what I'm doing. I love to write and its wonderful to get recognition for it, to get paid for it. And what's wrong with that?
At the end of the day, its all about balance. Scheduling in three workouts each week is three hours that I am taking for myself. To focus on my body and getting it back to where it needs to be. To stop making excuses and start doing something. To set a good example for my girls. To show them that even though you can't have it all, you can certainly try.
And with that said, my muscles are already yelling at me and telling me that I need to slow my roll. Take my time and remember that a lot has changed since I was a pretty princess with time for daily workouts. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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