Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

How's it going up there at the North Pole? Hope you are having an enjoyable holiday season. I just wanted to send you a quick note with a few minor requests. Thanks in advance, old guy!

First, I would really, really appreciate it if you could somehow see to Little A's constantly dripping snotty nose. It's really gross. Yesterday in the middle of a store, she announced to me, "Mommy, I'm eating my snot!" - loudly. And sure enough, she was. She also likes to wipe it on the couch, my shoulder, my pant leg and any other surface within reach. Its really gross. Did I already say that?

Second, I would love it if you could magically take about 20 pounds off me. Is that too much to ask, Santa? Fine, 15, okay? And no, I am not interested in your "healthy eating plan" or your advice about not scarfing down handfuls of m&m's. And don't tell me to lay off the lattes. I will promise to really appreciate it this time and not call myself a fattie if you do that for me, k?

Third, if you could somehow stop the sibling squabbling, it would be great. I am so tired of the yelling, whining, crying and tattling going on around here. Its getting really hard to muster up enthusiasm over who touched who's two-bit McDonald's toy first. Or to squelch the urge to tell Big A to just hit Little A back already and stop being a wimp.

And if you could turn the 25 minute kid's shows into about 40 minutes, that'd be super. I mean, its for The Children's sake, they just can't get enough Umizoomi and Diego, you know? And its really annoying to have to put on another show when I'm in the middle of internet surfing...I mean doing meaningful stuff.

Also, do you think you could convince my 2 year old that a nap is still a good idea? That would be especially great. The afternoons of tired crying because I looked at her wrong/fetched her apple juice instead of cranberry/didn't play "Mommy" correctly (how is that possible? I am a Mommy)/dared to breathe are getting old.

Santa, one more thing? I hope I'm not asking for too much here, but I know you're such a powerful, handsome man so I'm sure you can handle it. Can you teach my children to wipe their own butts? It would be awesome to only have my own to worry about. Did I go too far, Santa?

I should probably throw in something about world peace here, but I wouldn't want to overload you, Santa. After all, you're only one man.

Merry Christmas!

~Queen A

p.s. Yes, Santa, I am aware that I'm Jewish. I hardly think that is relevant (see "Jesus was a Jewish Carpenter" et al).

They look so innocent, don't they?